For me, at one point in my life, I cared, a bit too much, about justifying me – to “them.” I felt as though many were owed an explanation about my decisions OR lack thereof; only because I wanted to belong. I wanted to fit in, simply put, I wanted to be liked - accepted. I, me, my soul, were the sacrificial offering to a sphere that was just as spiritually bankrupt.
My measurable happiness was pitted against temporal things – things justified and measured by an unjustly broken system. My feet were planted on a shaky foundation and I was starting to slip into a deep abyss, where “they” took my energy and left me lifeless and dry. I did not feel safe or secure. I was afraid of falling and becoming more like “them” and less like me, the person that I was created to be.
The more I pretended not to care of what “they” thought, the more I felt the twisting in my tummy. Who was I kidding? I did care; I cared because I was so concerned with what “they” were saying: good, bad or indifferent. I had to justify that I really was a good person – that my relationships were air tight – that my marriage was good – that my home was happy – that my success was recognizable by Facebook photos, tags, check-ins, and likes – I had to be a good person because of my friend count. Slipping deeper and deeper…spiritually and emotionally tapped out, I was trying to find rational reasons as to why I felt so out of place. Why did people’s perception matter so much to me; when I never really mattered to them?
I felt alone – cold – lost and afraid. “They” said, “ ’they’ love me,” but how could “they”, when “they” did not even know love? “They” said, “I could trust “them,” but is that really possible when I have heard everything “they” have ever said directly or indirectly. How do I set myself apart from the masses?
My ah-ha moment came to me, just like an epiphany, in the ever so plain word: STOP! I got it! I stopped justifying my life AND my behavior and I begin to live – freely, without restriction. I stopped offering explanations. I had to get away; “they” had no idea of the justifications formulating in my head to vindicate myself to myself and even to "them." The weight was too much to bear - the air was thick – the nights were restless. If only I could get to a place of quietness, just to clear my head, simply to make sense of it all. First, in order to do that, I would have to /\/\/\/\/\/\_________________ pull the plug – on “them” and me too.
…To be continued…
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