“Insecurities will choke the life from a relationship, any relationship.” This statement is so profound to me, that I used it as an opening statement. Insecurity is defined as an inner feeling of unease when we see ourselves as vulnerable, inferior, or threatened in some way.
I remember at the very beginning of my relationship with my husband, over two decades ago, I was very insecure. Why me? What was it about me that attracted him to me? How could he love me? Why did he love me? Why is he here? Why not her? Did I ask, why me? Typing those questions wore me out, so I can only imagine how he felt; nevertheless, I was a very young girl, with no clue on how a healthy relationship should look. I did what most women do, I winged it – at my expense. Let me just say, it was a hefty price because it almost cost me my family.
Everyone is a product of their environment. The good. The bad. The ugly. The unseen. The seen. The decisions that we make early on in life, will affect the future in a constructive or destructive manner. Most often, girls are damaged by a men early in life. And later in life, women cling to their childhood insecurities. The lack of, or too much of, a man’s: attention, affirmation, example, respect, leadership, love, can and will positively or negatively cultivate her adult relationships, for life.
Recently, I was encouraged by my husband to purchase a gift card to give to someone of the opposite sex, as a token of appreciation. A kind gesture was not perceived as such, by the man’s wife, because, as of yet, she has not met me. My initial reaction was: “honey, I have my hands full with my own plate.” Then JAH revealed to me – that everyone is not as confident in their relationships or marriage, as you are in yours. Then, He quickly reminded me that I was not always secure and that sometimes, I still struggle. Something happened to cause the guy’s wife to react in that manner. Maybe it was something that transpired during the course of their relationship or from her childhood. Or maybe it was something that she saw her mom, sister, or friend walk through and she vowed never to allow it to happen to her. Whatever the case, she blocked a blessing – a heartfelt blessing.
I always encourage my husband to do nice things for his work counterpart, who happens to be of the opposite sex. She looks out for my husband, in his dangerous line of work, and for that I am very appreciative. Before scheduling his extensive travel, which requires him to be away for weeks at a time, she is cognizant of the family that is attached to him and for that I am grateful. So in our moment of “how can we bless someone’s life,” I always encourage him to do something nice for her. Does that mean he wants her or she wants him? Absolutely not. It means that we take care of the people that JAH has purposely placed in our lives. It means that in a small act of kindness, someone knows they matter, in life.
Most people do not know how to receive a kind gesture from someone of the opposite sex. It cannot be reciprocated as, he or she is just a kindhearted person. Surely, it has to mean that someone is coming on to them, or trying to take them home, or they want them. A woman cannot pay a man a compliment without it being perceived as “flirty.” A man cannot pay a woman a compliment without being perceived as “thirsty.” Being insecure is so draining. It drains the very essence of life. It creates a restless and reckless environment. It is often mistaken for love but in fact, they are polar opposites, archenemies, if you will. There is no difference in being involved with an insecure man or woman because without confidence of having someone’s whole heart, along with their mind, body, and soul – you will lose to chaos each time.
I cannot keep women from finding my husband attractive (heck he is easy on the eyes); however, I can be everything that he needs me to be with JAH’s help. He knows the importance of home. He knows the importance of his faithfulness and obedience, not only to me but to JAH. And that is the very thing that I am aware of – how important JAH is to me – as well as my husband’s importance in my life. Conversation rules the nations, and there is a testimony in everyone. If I get caught up on someone’s gender, I can miss the whole point behind why JAH placed them in my life. As with anything, there are boundaries and respect. This is what works for my husband and I; it may not be conducive to everyone’s relationship. We rely on JAH. We trust JAH. We live for JAH.
In my closing paragraph, I must say, this world is sad. The world is sad because the people are sad. If you think everyone that says hi or pays a compliment is trying to marry you, or take your significant other, please get over yourself. Receive the compliment and pay it forward to the next person because if you have not noticed, we are in need of kindness in this world. If you are so caught up in your significant other talking to someone of the opposite sex, then your life HAS to be miserable because you are wasting time on keeping an adult under lock and key. If you must keep him or her under lock and key, then why would someone else of caliber (quality) want your headache, that clearly needs to be babysat? If you say: “I love you” and follow it up with “but I do not trust you,” then your chaotic storm is brewing into an unhealthy phenomenon. If your insecurities are choking the very life from your marriage, or any of your relationships, then I suggest you check those feelings at the door and remember that “if you always do what you always did, you will always get what you always got;” then do the following: Be the change. Be the Light. Be the Platform to life. ~jess
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