I want to write my own eulogy - I want to tell my own story, after all, who can tell my story better than me? I want to make my absence, from this life, as painless as possible when it is my time. These thoughts came flooding into my head as I sat in a balcony seat, overlooking my surroundings, at my cousin's funeral.
I have always been terrified of death. I was down right afraid of dead people, partly because they never look like themselves and partly because they are cold, lifeless, or their families are in mourning. Mainly, because I did not understand what would happen to their souls, until now. Death, is a natural part of life's cycle, but it is always unnatural, inconvenient, and too soon when it is someone that you love.
Doubt, is a powerful tool, when allowed to fester is one of the biggest faith crushers known to man. I know doubt all too well. As a matter of fact, we come in contact quite often. I doubt my choices, my life, my decisions and sometimes my direction. It is a true definition of "the struggle is real."
Oh, I forgot to mention, that sometimes I even doubt God, that's right, I said it. Prayer, is the counterbalance to that doubt. I am always in constant prayer aloud, in silence, and in conversing with other people. You see, I know my weaknesses - I know when, where, and how I fall short of JAH's glory; constant prayer is necessary for me.
Why did I start this blog about death only to talk about doubt? Well, from MY perspective, they are intertwined, they are cousins. When one's life is doubt-stricken they are too afraid to live, which is essentially a painful and poisonous death. Reflecting over my cousin's life, she was the poster child for "living" of life of love, as well as, walking in perpetual forgiveness.
When I went through my tough time a couple of years ago, I doubted everything, my faith, my life, my beliefs, my marriage, myself, my future, my family, my friends, my world. I had unquestionably poured into everything that I was a part of, and yet, I was full of doubt and confusion.
Who’s fault was it? God’s, the devil's, or mine? I chose the latter. I chose to be accountable for my actions. I could not; I would not give the devil credit because he is not omnipresent. He does not have any power, unless I choose to give it to him. I had to learn (painfully), that I am not a victim of circumstance. I am not the crop of past generations strongholds. I will not go with broken tradition or deeply rooted poison, because my God is bigger, better, and MORE than enough for me. Doubt was rampant in my life because of my choices. I could have chosen differently but decided against it.
When it all seems to be off track. When it appears that doubt is winning and death is inevitable, change your outlook on life and snatch your faith in order, quickly. If you have forgotten, let me remind you: we all have the power to change, my cousin taught me that. We reap what we sow - either we can wallow in the product of the harvest, or we can simply replant the crop, you decide. Be the change. Be the light. Be the Platform To Life.~jess
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